Musings

The Thurston Howell Gambit

Why aren’t there any new names for chess moves? If you study chess for an afternoon, you will butt up against a plethora of maneuvers named after people like the Smith-Morra Gambit or even after well thought-out concepts like the King’s Indian Attack. Some moves or pieces can even use different languages to represent them like “En Passant” or “Zwischenug”. Like how cool is that? Imagine how smart you’d look dropping down that Zwis-thing on some bozo (even smarter if you can pronounce it). That being said, it would be infinitely cooler to have a contemporary name for a move or piece, but it seems like that well has run dry.

Is it that no one has come up with a keen new strategy to get checkmate, take a piece or gain an advantage? Or is it that all the cool maneuvers are taken? I truly hope it isn’t the latter. I also hope that we haven’t advanced so far in the field of self-aggrandizement that we no longer need to hit a curtain call or two! Have we dug so deep that we’ve reached the other side and all that chess is just another game? Don’t worry my legion of pretentious, snoots, daddy’s home! And I have a brand-spanking-new chess move name! Hold on to your socks you gaggle of insufferable know-it-alls: I want to claim the move where one player gets frustrated and sweeps all the chess pieces off the board. That maneuver will now be called the It’s NotWhat You Know, But Who You Know Defense (also known as the I.N.W.Y.K.B.W.Y.K. Defense – pro bono marketers apply below). OMG! Here comes the egghead society again, “That’s not a real move!” My argument is simple – Chess is supposed to imitate life; it encompasses all the many components that we’ve bottled-up and labelled as Human Nature: loyalty, love, hate, heart-break, sacrifice, strategy, stimulation, desire, error, forgiveness, regret etc. And what is more life-like than a chess move that demonstrates that however much you’ve studied or learned there will always be well-positioned people that can just sweep your well-positioned pieces right onto the floor.

Words I Love Pt. 18: Contronym

What is there not to love about the word Contronym? It’s usually not in your average dictionary, but hunt around and you’ll find it. It’s a word that means one thing and also means pretty much the opposite. True to form, it’s definition doesn’t truly give you a definitive understanding so here’s an example: Bound means both heading to a destination AND restrained from movement. I know, I know; it gives off an oxymoron vibe, but it’s actually better at being an oxymoron than an oxymoron. Where an oxymoron would say, “By getting on the picket line they were FREEDOM BOUND”, a contronym simply encompasses that contradiction in one word: Bound. It basically did all the heavy lifting for that oxyMORON. Advantage Contronym.

The contronym is more of a concept than just a word. It’s a loadstar in speech, guiding us to one very important understanding: language is both the path and the destination, equally beautiful in its practicality as it is in its futility. Everyday our survival relies on how well we communicate our needs to others, but, at the same time, we can exist just a few poorly chosen words away from our own destruction. You should thank your nearest contronym because it is through it that we can see the dynamic force of language. Language is like light in how it changes into a wave or a particle depending on what is needed to exist.

Ironically, no matter how Language frantically evolves and morphs for its survival and relevancy, it will always be made ineffective by a look or a feeling or a picture. Ultimately, Language itself is a contronym because all the eloquent words in the world cannot define the most underwhelming of sunsets.

Musings is a section in Strip Clubs are Sad Discos about the things that make me chuckle. The importance of laughing has been measured by science and, more importantly, by the human spirit. Improve your health with that branch of Joy: the Laugh. Big or small, pieces of humor can inoculate you against the harsh realities of this world. I hope I can sometimes lend a laugh!