Tag: Funny

Looking for Gold

There was a trend during the California Gold Rush to take “Before” pictures ahead of your trip out west to look for gold.  The point being that once you inevitably found your share of gold there’d be an “After” picture, depicting your great wealth.  A practice that could be considered an act of boldness by some and an act of foolishness by others.  In some of the pictures the soon-to-be prospectors – usually from out east, where they were struggling to survive – would be dressed in ragged prospecting clothes with prop chisels and shovels.  In some other pictures, the subject’s face and hands would be dirtied-up to look more the part.  All of these measures were taken in order to document the moment before the moment they were going to start to do something great.    

Of course, there is no record of “After” pictures because many of these people just went to another part of the country to struggle, suffer and die. The plight of these free spirited early Americans does not dull my fascination. I love that they celebrated the accomplishment before the attempt. It’s a type of humanity that feels familiar to me. I can even imagine those posing fools sitting for hours, preening in front of a water-colored background designed to look like the hills of California. I can see them swinging a pickaxe to the perfect freeze frame (of course, photo technology being what it was then, they’d be stuck in that stress-position forever). Those people are no less the historical figures because they took their victory lap before the race began. No, those folks peered out from underneath that exaggerated prospector’s hat and spoke life into their dreams, long before their fingers were crippled by working the sluice box or before they were unceremoniously eaten by a mountain lion or a grizzly. Those people were imbued with the spirit of Fake-It-Until-You-Make-It. And their essence lives on today in what we call Social Media.

Break-Ups Are Hard

This past week, America finally broke-it-off.  For twenty years, America hung in there, clinging to the idea of a love in a relationship long dead.  With the last embers of passion now extinguished, we can look back at what could’ve been between those star-crossed lovers: United States of America and Afghanistan.

Since 2001, with just cause, America entered into the Afghan war with the intention of rooting out the terrorist responsible for 9/11 and organizing the threat calculus in the Middle East.  America’s objectives were laid out efficiently and all of us citizens supported the match, but, unfortunately some complications arose.  

The past is the past…at least, that is what the U.S. told itself, ignoring Afghanistan’s messy break-up with Russia and the overall history of the region for being the “graveyard of empires”.  As most love-struck individuals believe so America thought, “I can change them.  The problem was that no one truly committed; no one really stuck with them!”  The plan was intelligence gathering, isolating targets and destroying hot spots, followed by a quick and effective counterinsurgency strategy.  Finally, after a year or two of combat operations, the U.S. would be viewed as liberators by the Afghani citizens and nation-building will be spearheaded by the country’s most thoughtful and capable moderates.  Once all that was mission accomplished, the U.S. and Afghanistan could build a beautiful relationship.  It turned out that history will always and inevitably repeat itself and thanks to covert contact by two of Afghanistan’s exes – Russia and Iran – the budding romance was essentially stunted even before the U.S. would cheat on Afghanistan with what was deemed a sexier prospect: Iraq.

The U.S. gets better headlines elsewhere…  About two years into the Afghan War, America inexplicably decided to start something with Iraq.  For a time, Afghanistan was left abandoned and confused.  Those individuals in Afghanistan that were trained or empowered, or both, were left rudderless and exposed.  Worse yet, the country knew they were left high-and-dry for a flashier although less complicated partner.  And so, when the dust settled and the two were back together, you could tack resentment onto the list of dysfunctions in this toxic relationship.   

Years of co-dependence and dysfunction, but how can we start over… The U.S. and Afghanistan grew apart, but could never truly let each other go. It reached a point that neither could remember a time where they weren’t together and weren’t at odds. On the ground, the bases and airfields that were constructed with hopefulness became only “jumping-off points” for “clean-up” and counterterrorism operations for American soldiers as well as the training Afghan forces – shared custody. It is with those airfields that American troops will depart along with all those Afghanis that wish to abandon the country that they toiled to save and shape. It is with those airfields that America will abandon any projects dedicated to progress or revitalization; moreover, abandoned are all those young women enrolled in college or career for the first time. It is those airfields that will act as a physical reminder of lessons learned and relationships lost as it is inevitably stripped and repurposed to fit the needs of the Taliban and then al-Qaeda.

It’s Just Soda!

Red Bull and Monster drinks are just a ploy to make soda an acceptable breakfast beverage.  There I said it!  I know you’re response will be, “Big Beverage already got us hooked on coffee, tea and delicious orange juice…why would they need to peddle their fizzy wares pre-lunchtime” (I’m paraphrasing).      

​Simple!  Think market share (sorry for raising my voice earlier).  All across the board, it makes sense to start moneymaking campaigns early.  You’ve seen it with Christmas and how it starts earlier and earlier.  Also, Black Friday – I think they moved it up to June this year.  Ultimately, no matter how diaphanous or subtle the efforts of Corporate America are, we are still subject to them.  Before long, we’ll be chomping on McDonald’s fries alongside our eggs or pancakes, because they’re basically hash brown’s idiot cousin…right?  

The motivation is that the profit margins are greater when lunch and dinner are being served; after all, no matter how you dress it up, we all know a couple of eggs are pretty cheap and plenty filling.  So next time you’re washing that bacon, egg and cheese down with an icy Mango Mania Monster drink (12oz because I’m no quitter, nor do I fear the Reaper), just remember that they’re two for five at 7-eleven this week!

Glazomaniac

​A Glazomaniac is someone that loves making lists.  I am a self-diagnosed Glazomaniac.  I make a list for the grocery store and then pop over to another list that gives me credit for a successful errand.  I have a list that is composed of “challenges”, which I monitor every day because I’m supposed to complete two a day, according to my Daily Requirement List.  I list things that I want and things that I need to get rid of.  I also list the outfits that I wore – so far, the value of which seems only helpful in recalling which pants got my headphones in them.

I have a list of the books I’ve read (I’m attempting to read 10,000 before I die…not completely sure why I set that goal).  I also have a list of books that I want to read.  I have a list of my writing projects and a list of goals for each project.  And, of course, I have a list that gives me “Writing Career” points every time I perform well in those other lists.

I once determined that I was losing entirely too much time in a day being efficient with my lists. Consequently, I resolved to start giving myself credit for checking and maintaining my portfolio of lists (that super list became known as the List Management List). Whew! That was a close call for my beloved lists, but problem was solved.

Musings

Musings is a section in Strip Clubs are Sad Discos about the things that make me chuckle. The importance of laughing has been measured by science and, more importantly, by the human spirit. Improve your health with that branch of Joy: the Laugh. Big or small, pieces of humor can inoculate you against the harsh realities of this world. I hope I can sometimes lend a laugh!

Athletes aren’t Heroes

Athletes should not be paid more than teachers!  It is one of the great injustices of Life.  And I don’t just feel that way because my mother and father taught for many years or that Ms. Ramirez from 2nd grade was super-hot (I won the perfect attendance certificate that year).  No, I think teachers and all professions, for that matter, should compensate solely on their positive societal impact.  The greater the positive societal influences, the higher the compensation.  On another note, I believe the gap between the occupations’ societal impact and its proportional compensation is what really makes a Hero.  The teacher’s hard work and value to society combined with the limited monetary compensation makes him/her a Hero in my book.

Entertainment, although necessary in our increasingly discouraging times, is not hero-work.  With all the impact this virus is having on our society and communities, it’s becoming clearer and clearer that the real heroes in our world wear a mantle of thanklessness.  Health Care workers are not just doctors.  The nurses, nurse aides, in-take personnel, hospital security, hospital janitors and the like are the day-to-day, impactful members of the health care industry.  Moreover, very similar to teachers, those kind of workers often get a middling check paired with high responsibility.

Athletes are as much heroes as let’s say… tight-rope walkers: both are skilled, but they’re essentially useless to the overall functionality of society. Now before you label me as some anti-sport, semi-masculine bookworm (see previous post Boring Beetle), you should know that I have spent a good deal of my discretionary time on sports (see previous post  Truly America’s Pastime). In addition, I know first-hand, with my failure to fabricate a sports career, that an athlete has unique physical skills. However, the professional athlete’s application of those physical skills are non-contributive. How much impact can Aquaman have on the swim team or The Flash playing wide receiver for the 49ers?!